I flipped on the TV today and tuned into CNN, no real reason for it. I had just gotten back from class and buying books (a week after classes started), and so what else would I have to do? I’ll pretend to be involved in society and the world by being up-to-date on various events. That’s my excuse at least, sometimes I just watch CNN, other times MSNBC. Sometimes I watch CSPAN and even CSPAN 2. Yes, I do enjoy it, okay?
Anyway, so delicious smoothie in one hand, Public Relations book in another, computer at my side, my eyes glaze over as I tune in only to the flashing box of moving images and soaring sounds. Today is a very important day in American history. Apparently some black guy is doing something of relative importance. So much so that all the news channels are covering it. Pretty much all day too. What the hell did I miss out on? I wasn’t asleep for that long!
Regardless, upon learning this information, I contacted my cohort, my partner in crime, and my brother. He was unaware of this as well. I was disappointed in him, he should know better. Either way, after some quick bantering, we both decided to try and “liveblog that bitch”. So that’s what we’re going to do. Or at least try to. We’ll see how it goes.
9:56 — I haven’t even had my coffee yet and all CNN is going on about is that the Obamas and Bush’s are having coffee. Cruel CNN, cruel. Oh, it maybe brandy. No one is sure, but apparently this part is a big deal. This is where all the secrets are handed over. (“We have a secret 24/7 pastry chef.”)
(It should be noted that if one of the secrets is not about the Stargate Program or Atlantis or anything related to obnoxious Science Fiction, I will be pissed.)
10:05 — CNN just showed a shot of empty spaces around the Washington Monument, we’ve already abandoned him, you’re on your own Barry! Also, we just spotted a Brazillian flag, the foreigners are already invading. The Obama Presidency is already a fail!
10:09 — Wolf Blitzer just pointed out Muhammad Ali. He sings like a butterfly, stings like a bee. “He’s always going to be a champ.”…Yes Wolf Blitzer, you did sound like a tool.
10:10 — CNN remarks about how Obama is the “President of the People”. Drew says: “I thought we just elected him President for minorities…”
10:15 — CNN keeps mentioning this “coffee” and pointing out the VIPs who get the awesome seats. Anderson Cooper is really pissed that Dustin Hoffman gets the good seats and he’s stuck in the studio. CNN also points out how big of a tool Reagan actually was.
10:18 — Here come the Supreme Court justices, best subplot of the next 8 years: Which one will die first? My money is on JP.
(Steven Spielberg is there! I want my 8 bucks back for War of the Worlds!)
10:28 — That announcer made saying “Majority Whip” and “Minority Whip” probably the coolest thing ever. Barney Frank however, kills the mood. President Bush will be leaving the White House in about 8 minutes time. This was a pointless update.
10:43 — “NO ONE TALK OVER THE OBAMA IMAGES!” Wolf Blitzer, tool.
10:44 — Is Jill Biden wearing hooker boots?
10:48 — Brief discussion about Dick Cheney and Joe Biden. Dick Cheney is wheeled out in a wheel chair. Is it bad that I couldn’t help but laugh? Probably a little. President Bush and President-Elect Obama just got into the car. CNN is talking about how cool it is that the new car has little LED lights that illuminate the little flags. How cute. “The Car version of Air Force One”. Someone just said that it “has some James Bond-ish features”. CNN. TOOL. 5 inch armour, 8 inch thick doors. Run flat tires, bullet proof glass windows. Jet engines, missiles and mini-guns. A little red button.
10:54 — So, our first black President gets a Cadillac limousine. Good lord, someone is gonna beat that into the ground, but it sure as hell won’t be us (for once).
11:04 — There’s a black guy on Capital Hill! CNN remarks on how the color black, especially in regards to cars and Washington has recently been related to funerals, death, and sadness, but this black car (and guy) has such a different feel. A feel of joy and change. CNN seriously has the worst journalists ever.
11:09 — CNN is moved, because Obama is BLACK, and originally we only counted black people as 3/5th of a person.
Our Mother: “Well he’s only half-black, so let’s do the math.” (After some mental math, Mom determines he’s 4/5 of a person. America: still keeping a brother down.)
11:13 — CNN, once again you have official cemented your place as some of the most gigantic tools in journalism. Why?
They ordered a satellite shot so we can see what this looks like from space?!?! Probably like, uh, NOTHING. ‘Cause it’s SPACE and 2 million people on the ground won’t be seen.
Yes, I know you like to do something groundbreaking and original. But you tend to always fail. CNN = Fail.
11:14 — We’re moving to a new post to stop the paragraph killing, so go there.