11:16 — Here comes Hillary! Wolf Blitzer mentions that some people were hoping she’d be sworn in. Haha, PUMA’s don’t hurt yourself!
11:18 — CNN, “In 92, Clinton raised between 50-60 million dollars to become President. This inauguration cost more than that.” Thanks CNN, probably the most useful thing you’ve said all day, and it still sucks.
11:29 — Silence fell over the crowd. Oh, and go figure, they’re running behind schedule. Are we surprised? No. This is America, for crying out loud.
11:40 — So the “W” stands for Walker? Well damn, I thought it was like the “S” in Harry Truman. Is Anderson Cooper choking up as he tells us that this is the last time “Hail for the Chief” will be played for Bush?
11:43 — Obama’s got his baller look on, he’s a player.
11:45 — “George Walker Bush,” “William Jefferson Clinton,” and “Barack H. Obama”. What are you trying to say, Mr. Announcer? He’s not a terrorist? (Thanks to Bryan over at GeekSpeak for the joke)
11:46 — At least CNN has stopped talking now. The only tool left is the announcer.
11:48 — Invocate this! Wow, he even rhymes. Clever.
11:50 — For a gay hater, he has great rhythm. (Yep, we went there.)
11:51 — Bryan: That combover right there? That’s the Lord’s combover. (We’re gonna give him contributor status soon.)
11:52 — The Partial Bigots go to Church, we swear.
11:54 — I really didn’t want to go to hell today, dammit. The First Lady of Soul (That’s right, there’s THREE first lady’s today, bitch!) has what could be the most ridiculous hat I’ve ever seen. Maybe. And that was a scary note she just hit.
11:56 — 11:54 — General consensus? This bow on her head is ridiculous. Awesome, but when Joan Rivers does her Inauguration Fashion Grading, she’s gonna fail.
11:58 – Joseph Robinette Biden is officially the 47th Vice President of the United States of America. And I think we can all agree he has the coolest…maybe queerest…middle name yet.
12:00 — GEEK ALERT! John Williams composed this! Bring on the lightsabers! WHAT THE HELL??? WOLF WHY ARE YOU TALKING????
Major musical geekdom up in here. Itzhak Perlman, Yo-Yo Ma, Anthony McGill and Gabriela Montero performing a John Williams composed piece. Our music major brother would probably cry. Not even kidding. Oh, and for all those not aware, seeing how it’s noon, Obama is now the President of the United States. I prefer POTUS. Go black guy!
12:05 — What are you trying to say John G. Roberts? That he’s a terrorist? Huh? Oh yeah? Well what’s YOUR middle name? George? LAME. YOU’RE WHITE MOTHER FUCKER.
Obama and Roberts probably should’ve ran through that swearing in thing a few times before going live.
Steve Watts, another GeekSpeak guy, has this: “YOU PRESIDENT THIS COUNTRY, OBAMA. YOU PRESIDENT IT SO HARD!”
12:09 — So finally, we can say “President Obama” with no douchebag saying “Elect!” right after us. Find another schtick, tool.
12:13 — And here comes the part when he asks us to work to make America better. Please, I already have a blog, what more can I do?
12:22 — He’s talking about the need for work and sacrifice, and I’m sitting here in my bathrobe.
Sean’s Speech take:
12:08 — Obama chant, followed by several dignified, dramatic pauses. Thanks the now Former President Bush. Dignified, go figure. What else.
12:09 — “But because we *dignified pause* the people *dramatic pause*…” Oh he is good.
12:10 — Way to hit every economic issue on the head in under one minute.
12:10:45 — Ovation.
12:11 — Strong wording about bonding and togetherness. Bring the people together. Quoting scripture, always good.
12:11:45 — Ovation in regards to Obama saying “We all are free” without a dramatic pause.
12:12 — Our journey is hard, we understand. Oh, CNN, did you have to have a close up on Spielberg when he said that? Yes, we know he has more money then all of us, don’t remind us.
12:13 — Great usage of slavery related phrases. Makes all Americans feel as one. He is one slick President.
12:14:00 — Ovation.
12:14 — Quick mention of Energy and the Environment. “All this we can do, all this we will do.”
12:15 — He’s hitting every major issue on the head, it’s only been 7 minutes! Cure world hunger! Come on, do it! Do it! I know you can!
12:16 — I guess I’m okay with you saying we’ll spend more consciously instead. I guess the market is a pretty major issue.
12:17 — “Our founding fathers”, unity language. This speech is filled with it.
12:17:38 — Oh, totally mentioned the fact that his father was born in a small village. Baller. Look at him now.
12:18 — “We are ready to lead once more” and “We are friends of all nations”. Repairing our image so soon?
12:18:51 — Mention of withdrawing responsibly from Iraq and working on Afghanistan.
12:19:24 — Ovation, because we will not apologize for our way of life.
12:20 — Unity language for everyone. Worldly unity. Religious unity. Unity everywhere! Unity!
12:21:01 — Don’t be on the wrong side of history, bitch. That’s pretty much what Obama just said.
12:21 — Hey world hunger! Hey, he just said we must change the way we consume the worlds resources! We should help them? He’s fixed everything! It’s only been 13 minutes!
12:22:37 — Katrina reference.
12:22:42 — Hurting economy reference.
12:22:48 — 9/11 reference.
12:22:53 — Family reference.
12:23 — As Americans, we have duties to be responsible.
12:24 — “Men, women and children of every race and faith…”, once again, this speech is centered on unity.
12:24:41 — He just reminded us that he is black.
12:25 — Anecdotal reference about the Revolution and our nation’s freedom and unity.
12:26 — Wow, he’s really good. He’s really really good.
12:26:24 — “God Bless the United States of America”.
12:29 — It must suck to be this Poet, you have to follow Barry and perform an art form that only 10% of Americans care about.
CNN is a bunch of tools, even when nobody is speaking. No name-key for the poet, and cut to shots of people on the mall leaving. Tools.
12:31 — My girlfriend is going crazy listening to the way this woman speaks. “It reminds me of the way Microsoft Sam would speak”.
12:37 — “Black won’t be told to get back. Brown can stick around. Yellow can be mellow. The Red man can get ahead, man. And white can do what’s right.” That was probably the coolest thing ever, especially coming from that guy. Awesome.
12:38 — Our national anthem really, really, really sucks.
12:40 — Oh, here comes CNN, and Anderson and Wolf rope in the their Token Black correspondents.
12:44 — I’m not going to lie, as soon as CNN starts talking, I stop paying attention. Oh were you at the inauguration of Nelson Mandela? Were you really John King? Well this is NOT THE SAME. Yes they’re both black, but that’s IT.
12:48 — Obama is walking Bush to the helicopter, that will escort him off into retirement. Facebook statuses everywhere rejoice.
12:52 — And Wolf makes another pass at the Obama girls. Someone needs to talk to him.
12:53 — Why do we care about Michelle Obama’s outfit? Because she is the first lady. And the first lady, being a woman, has to set a good fashion example for the entire nation. Bitch.
12:54 — And Bush is now officially “quarantined” on the helicopter. Facebook statuses are reupdated to reaffirm their happiness.
CNN just spent 45 seconds on how Obama gets the helicopter, no mention of Jill Biden’s hooker boots.
12:55 — And suddenly we forget who Former President George W. Bush even was.
So what did we learn? CNN is a bunch of tools and we’ll stick to network news from now on.