10. Sean and I started a blog, it lasted one week.
Sean and I pioneered a social commentary blog — focusing on politics, art, mass media and whatever intrigued our minds. There were two posts: “Hey, welcome to our blog” and a riveting piece on our primary campaigning for some skinny, black dude with a funny name from Illinois. He did pretty well. (Oh look! A third post.)
9. The Kennedy Clan split over who they wanted to be President
In a tough terse battle, the Kennedy clan split over who to support for President. Caroline, Patrick and Ted Kennedy supported Obama because they discovered he actually had the same soul as JFK (in the future, he’ll enter a Chrysalis transforming into JFK, take rocket technology into the past to help save the USA). Robert F. Kennedy, Jr and his sisters, Kathleen and Kerry Kennedy endorsed Hillary Clinton. A classic family split, that cable news ate up. RFK, Jr and his sisters issued a press release letting us know they were right and the other half of the family was wrong. RFK was so sure of his endorsement, he went as far to issue a warning to anyone who would think of trying to take his Dad’s seat once Hillary left. It was awkward, and no one remembers it except the Kennedy’s, because look who might be getting RFK’s old senate seat. Haha, it’s Caroline. How’d that work out, Robbie Jr?
8. Gary Peters running for Congress while double timing as a CMU Prof!
Seriously, I helped campaigned for this guy and no one even cared, except Dennis Lennox and the Michigan GOP. Nobody else did, as is evident by the 9 point smackdown he gave Knollenberg.
7. Jack Hoogendyk ran for Senate
If you’re already googling his name, my work is done. If not, you’re a total nerd.
6. Barack Obama smoked a joint
Yep, he did. Somebody on the radio cared for a bit, parts of America were outraged. To calm down, they got mid-1950’s rural Kentucky drunk, the proper drug.
5. John McCain has a potty mouth
John McCain likes to say “shit”, “piss”, “fuck”, “cunt”, “cocksucker”, “motherfucker”, “tits.” Or, if the mood is right, “fart”, “turd”, “twat.” America, once again, was outraged. Voters angrily lashed out: “Fuck this, I would never vote for a motherfucker who can’t control their shitty temper!” 75% of America then drank heavily, yelling profanities at the TV as their football team fumbled on the last play, losing the game and blowing any chance at a National Championship. Those goddamn motherfucker cocksucking cunt-faced shit heads! (3-9 people! 3-and-fucking-9!)
While PUMA just snagged a deal with a the Women’s Pro Soccer League, this isn’t about the shoes or how there is still Women’s Pro Soccer (or pro soccer in general) in the US, but pissed off Hillary Clinton supporters. Apparently, they were gonna throw the convention into turmoil, throw their support behind the Republican guy who didn’t hold any of their views (but hey, at least he didn’t steal his parties nomination!) and laugh at Obama’s supporters corpses. Yeah, that was awesome.
3. Canada goes into “Holy Hell, WTF” mode
A crazy Constitutional crisis erupts in Canada. The Conservatives can’t form a coalition to gain control of Parliament, the left leaning parties plan to join together, kick out the PM, and then the Governor General — the Queen of England’s appointed Head of State — prorogues parliament. This is all sorts of awesome crazy, with all sorts of wild implications, and except for a 5-7 minute segment (most of which is spent explaining the role of parliament) no one in the US cares. However, countless people were surprised that Canada has a government and the Queen has something to do with it.
2. Dick Cheney said something
Who? That Joe Biden guy isn’t Vice President yet?
1. George W. Bush said something
He dodged a PUMA, but who? That Barack Obama guy isn’t President yet?